Approval-Seeking

Approval-Seeking Therapy | Psychologist in Maastricht | English & Greek

When feeling good about yourself depends too much on how others see you

Wanting to be liked, appreciated, and accepted is a natural part of being human. We all care, to some extent, about what the people around us think of us. Approval-seeking becomes more difficult when other people's opinions begin to play such an important role in how you evaluate yourself that it becomes difficult to trust your own judgement without external reassurance.

You may find yourself wondering whether people like you, whether you have made a good impression, or whether someone is disappointed in you. You might look to compliments, reassurance, praise, or recognition to feel secure, only to find that the reassurance fades and you soon need it again.

Perhaps you carefully consider how other people might react before making decisions. You may change your opinions depending on who you are with, avoid expressing disagreement, or feel uncomfortable doing something if you know that someone important to you would not approve. Even when you know what you want, you may find yourself asking whether it is acceptable first.

Sometimes approval-seeking is quite visible. You may frequently ask for reassurance or seek praise. At other times, it can be much quieter: comparing yourself with others, checking how you are being perceived, trying to be impressive, or feeling unsettled when your efforts go unnoticed.

Therapy can provide a space to understand why external approval has become so important, what it gives you emotionally, and how you can gradually develop a stronger sense of self-worth that does not depend so heavily on other people's responses.

Does this sound familiar?

You may find yourself thinking quite a lot about whether other people like you or approve of you. After a conversation, you might wonder whether you came across well, whether you said the right thing, or whether the other person has changed their opinion of you.

You may feel particularly reassured when someone compliments you, tells you that you did well, or confirms that they are happy with you. But the reassurance may not last very long. Once the initial sense of security fades, you may find yourself looking for another indication that you are still doing okay.

Perhaps you frequently ask other people what they think before making decisions, even when you already have an opinion of your own. You might need someone to confirm that your choice is sensible, your appearance is okay, your work is good enough, or your behaviour was appropriate.

You may also find it difficult when someone does not respond positively. A lack of praise can feel like criticism, and someone else's disagreement may make you question yourself more than you would like. You might become particularly sensitive to changes in people's reactions and spend time trying to work out what they mean.

Sometimes approval-seeking appears through achievement. You may work hard because being successful makes you feel valuable or respected, and feel unsettled when your efforts are not recognised. You may compare yourself with others and feel that you need to achieve more before you can feel proud of yourself.

You may even find yourself asking a question that is difficult to answer: “If nobody else approved of this choice, would I still want it?”

Understanding approval-seeking

Approval-seeking is not simply caring about other people's opinions. Relationships matter, and receiving encouragement or recognition from others can be genuinely meaningful. The difficulty arises when external approval becomes an important source of emotional security or self-worth.

You may begin to rely on other people's reactions to tell you whether you are doing okay. When someone approves, you feel more secure. When they disapprove, remain neutral, or simply don't respond, you may begin questioning yourself.

This can make your sense of self-worth surprisingly dependent on circumstances that you cannot control. Other people will sometimes disagree with you, misunderstand you, fail to notice your efforts, or simply have different preferences. If their reactions determine how you feel about yourself, your emotional state can become very vulnerable to these everyday fluctuations.

Approval-seeking can also make it difficult to know what you genuinely think and want. If you are constantly considering what will be accepted by other people, your own preferences can become harder to hear.

You may become skilled at asking, “What would they want me to do?” without asking yourself, “What do I want?” Over time, this can create a sense of disconnection from your own values, preferences, and identity.

When approval becomes connected to your sense of worth

For some people, the need for approval is closely connected with a deeper belief that being liked, successful, helpful, attractive, or impressive is what makes them worthy.

You may feel confident when people respond positively to you, but become uncertain when they don't. A compliment can temporarily reassure you that you are attractive. Recognition at work can reassure you that you are competent. Someone expressing affection can reassure you that you are lovable.

But if your sense of worth depends on these experiences, the reassurance can never be completely permanent.

There will always be another situation in which you are not praised, another person who does not respond as you hoped, or another moment when you compare yourself unfavourably with someone else.

This can create an exhausting need to keep proving yourself.

Sometimes this pattern develops through earlier experiences in which acceptance or attention felt conditional. Perhaps you learned that you received more approval when you achieved, behaved well, helped others, or met certain expectations. Over time, you may have internalised the idea that being valued depends on what you do rather than simply on who you are.

Understanding this history can be important because approval-seeking is often not a superficial desire to be liked. It can be connected with much deeper questions about whether you feel worthy of acceptance when you are not performing, pleasing, achieving, or meeting someone else's expectations.

How approval-seeking can affect your life

Approval-seeking can influence decision-making because you may find it difficult to trust your own judgement without checking it against someone else's opinion. You might repeatedly ask friends or family what you should do, change your mind after hearing someone else's perspective, or continue looking for reassurance even after making a decision.

At work, you may become particularly dependent on recognition. You might work excessively hard to receive praise, feel discouraged when your efforts go unnoticed, or hesitate to share ideas unless you are confident that other people will respond positively.

In relationships, approval-seeking can make it difficult to express your genuine preferences. You may adapt yourself to what you think your partner wants, avoid disagreement, or feel especially unsettled when someone is unhappy with you. This can overlap with people-pleasing, although approval-seeking is often more directly connected with needing external confirmation of your own worth or decisions.

It can also affect friendships. You may worry about being liked, compare yourself with other people, or feel particularly sensitive when you are not included or recognised. Social situations can become less about experiencing the interaction and more about monitoring how well you are being received.

Over time, constantly seeking external confirmation can become exhausting. You may achieve something and immediately wonder whether it is impressive enough, receive a compliment and question whether the person really meant it, or make a decision and continue wondering whether other people think it was the right one.

Perhaps most importantly, approval-seeking can make it increasingly difficult to build confidence in your own internal sense of what is right for you.

How we can work with approval-seeking in therapy

Our work would begin by understanding what approval means to you and what you experience when you do not receive it. We might explore the situations in which you most strongly need reassurance, praise, recognition, or confirmation, as well as what you fear might happen if other people disapproved of you.

We can also look at the beliefs underneath the pattern. Perhaps you believe that people will only value you if you are successful, useful, agreeable, attractive, or impressive. Maybe you worry that making the wrong decision will cause people to lose respect for you, or that someone disagreeing with you means you have done something wrong.

Depending on your needs, we may draw from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Schema Therapy.

CBT can help us examine the assumptions you make about other people's opinions and the conclusions you draw when you do not receive the response you hoped for. We can also explore reassurance-seeking behaviours and whether they are actually helping you develop confidence or simply providing temporary relief.
ACT can help you become more comfortable with uncertainty and the possibility that not everyone will approve of your choices. Rather than trying to eliminate the discomfort of disapproval, the focus can shift towards making decisions based on your own values and priorities.
Schema Therapy can be particularly useful when approval-seeking feels longstanding or closely connected with beliefs around approval-seeking, recognition-seeking, defectiveness, shame, abandonment, or conditional acceptance. We can explore how earlier experiences may have shaped the idea that you need to earn acceptance rather than being able to expect it as part of a healthy relationship.

The aim is not to stop caring what other people think. Other people's perspectives can be valuable, and healthy relationships involve taking one another into consideration. The aim is to develop enough confidence in yourself that someone else's opinion can inform your decisions without having to determine your worth.

Taking the First Step

You may have become very good at reading other people's reactions and adjusting yourself accordingly. Perhaps you know what different people expect from you and have learned how to give it to them. You may be successful, considerate, adaptable, and easy to get along with, while privately feeling unsure of yourself when you are not receiving reassurance or recognition.

Perhaps you are tired of needing other people to tell you that you are doing okay.

You may want to trust your own decisions more, feel less affected by other people's opinions, or be able to tolerate someone disagreeing with you without immediately questioning yourself.

Therapy can provide a space to explore where this need for approval comes from and what it has been doing for you. We can work towards developing a more stable sense of self-worth and greater confidence in your own judgement, while still allowing other people's opinions and relationships to matter.

The goal is not to stop caring about being liked or appreciated. It is to reach a point where you can value other people's approval without needing it in order to feel okay about yourself.

If you'd like to explore whether working together could be a good fit, you can arrange a short introductory call.

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